Once upon a wait, WTH was that?
by gusenitsa
Summary: Getting through the hiatus one lol at a time. Grumpy: WE'RE UNDER ATTACK! Emma: Not yet, grumpy. We need nominal character drama first so that we can be brought back together by a common cause. We talked about this. Grumpy: Sorry, I'll come back later. Killian: Mmm *licks lips* I do so enjoy it when you take charge, Swan. Internet: *crashes* RB shipper: Let it Go?
1. Chapter 1

****Welcome to OUAT season 4. Try not to take it too seriously. (That won't be hard. ) Getting through the hiatus one giggle at a time.****

**You know they're not going to give us much fluff when the show comes back. Fluff/fun doesn't sell as well as drama :( So... A joint endeavor to look at how season 4 is *really* going to start ... according to Gusenitsa and _Pascale d'Artagne. _**

* * *

Emma: "Oh Killian... We're both so attractive that we're killing most of the fandom every time we touch... It has to stop, they can't take it anymore."  
Killian: *Puppy pirate face*  
Emma: See!? Thousands of people just melted into a puddle and tumbler went down.  
Killian: With a name like tumbler, sounds like it was meant to go down...Besides I don't have a ship anymore so I'm pretty much just going to follow you around until you fall back into my arms again.  
Emma: *sigh* It was fun, Killian, really, but lets never talk about it again except in yearning glances and doey eyes. I miss our sexual tension. Also we have to let it go.  
Killian: Let what go?  
Emma: I'm contractually obligated to fit that in every three and a half minutes.  
Killian: Oh right... You know... it's been hours since I got in a good yearning angsty gaze. *yearning angsty gaze* Yeah, that felt good.  
Emma: I know Killian, but you just killed Tumbler again. Besides...Isn't there something else you want to tell me?  
Killian: I lov-  
Emma: Not that one! *cough* contract *cough*  
Killian: Right,*cough*, Oh Emma, if only there was someone out there who loved you.

* * *

_Killian: *walks down street*_  
_Emma: *facepalm* Just stop it, you just caused about fifty fan deaths in the last minute. Good thing these fangirls seem to have a hundred million lives_  
_Killian: I wasn't doing anything love, I swear._  
_Fans: *dying*_  
_Emma: *facepalm* You know what? Just sit in the corner for five minutes while we try to get everyone to recover. We can roll a few minutes of actual plot, see if that helps calm them down._

Killian: Plot? I don't like plot. Plot hurts. Remember the last time they tried to do plot we got sucked into a swirling vortex and I had to punch myself in the face.  
Emma: *smiles wistfully* yeah... that was great...  
Killian: You're thinking about him right now aren't you.  
Emma: *cough* No! No, no, of course not. Not at all. Not more than just a little bit.  
Killian: EMMA! I told you, I have identity issues and it makes me feel better to segment my personality into past! and present! self. Ask Archie.  
Archie: Actually I told you that was dangerous and a sign of mental instability. Your past s-  
Killian: It's past! not past. That's how you can tell it's a real thing...  
Hook: Besides...who the hell asked you, you bloody cricket, I'll still dissect you!  
Emma: What the hell just happened?  
Killian: Plot... damn it. I hate plot.  
Emma: Do you hear that clicking noise Killian?  
Killian: Yes... if that's another vortex, I swear to God Emma, don't go into the light.  
Emma: That is the sound of a thousand fanfic writers writing threesome fics. Happens every time he shows up.  
Killian: You mean...  
Emma: oh yeah...  
Hook: sounds like fun...  
Emma: Let it go?  
*clicking sound intensifies*

_Killian: Love, I believe I am familiar with this term 'threesome-_  
_Emma: *blinks*_  
_Killian:*blush, ear scratch* erm! well I know it by DEFINITION, but this 'fanfic'...may I inquire as to it's nature?_  
_Fans:*dying*_  
_Emma: look, you've got to stop this. Seriously, it's becoming a problem._  
_Killian: I can't help it. *raises eyebrow* I'm just that devilishly handsome._  
_Emma: you know that's not it. They just think you're adorable._  
_Killian: And that's a bad thing? Mayhap you are a mite jealous._  
_Emma: *stutters* uh! no!_  
_CS shippers: *dying*_  
_Emma: see, now look what you've done!_  
_Killian: I believe that one was on you Swan_  
_Emma: oh no, you and your adorable face can take all the blame_  
_Killian: I believe this would be a proper moment to insert that phrase we've been told to use in obnoxious ways? Just let it go._  
_Emma: *hides face in hands*_

Emma: All right, we need some more plot pronto or this is just going to devolve into fan fiction like the finale did... I should probably get in a fistfight with Regina soon.  
Regina: Works for me, I've been waiting months for that. Do you have any idea how miserable it is to be left in anguish for an entire hiatus?  
Killian: Actually...*raised eyebrows* If I might interject-  
Emma &amp; Regina : NO!  
Killian: *ear scratch*  
Fans: *dying*  
tumbler: *crashes*  
Emma: NO MORE EAR SCRATCHES! My God, can you please just try to not be so incredibly attractive all the time.  
CS shippers: *dying*  
Regina: And could you please stop flirting with your boyfriend for a moment and focus on what's important. Aren't we supposed to be fighting, Miss. Swan?  
SQ shippers: *dying*  
Emma: Great ... now they're here too?  
Regina: What did I say?  
Emma: It's not so much what you said but that your lips are moving while we're in the same frame.  
Regina: I've killed people for less than this...  
Hook: Not a bad idea.  
Grumpy: WE'RE UNDER ATTACK!  
Emma: Not yet, grumpy. We need nominal character drama first so that we can be brought back together by a common cause. We talked about this.  
Grumpy: Sorry, I'll come back later.  
Killian: Mmm *licks lips* I do so enjoy it when you take charge, Swan.  
Internet: *crashes*  
RB shippers: Let it go?

_Emma: *glares* Stop it already! We're still two months away from the premiere and I'm already sick of the whole theme for 4A!_  
_Killian: Let it -_  
_Emma: *shoves Killian against wall* Don't even start. It's even worse from you because you haven't even heard the song. _  
_CS shippers: *squee* *furiously typing fanfics* (C'mon, Killian say something salacious...Emma likes it rough... say Emma likes it rough!)_  
_Henry: I may have played Frozen at our last movie night._  
_Captain Cobra brigade: That's sooooooo cuuuuuute *munches popcorn*_  
_Emma: Dang it, Henry. I'm contractually obligated to not be mad at you because I feel immense guilt over abandoning you. Now I just have to come to terms with the situation in the name of familial love._  
_Killian: Aww. Look, you're slipping again and calling me 'family'_  
_Emma: Killian..._  
_Killian: *invades personal space and looks yearningly* Sorry love, I haven't done this in a while. _  
_Emma: I am so done. _  
_Killian: Enjoy it while you can. I hear I am soon to be divested of my pirate attire. _  
_Emma: *panic attack* NO! They can't do that! *starts tugging on his coat* Henry, help me bury Killian's clothes in the sand so I can pull them out when I want to see my pirate._  
_Henry: uhh...I'll just go to school now. That's usually the easy way to get out of actually being in a scene._  
_Killian: Love, you might want to rethink this..._  
_Tumblr: *eyes bugging out, death rate climbing*_  
_Emma: *tugging on coat* This is serious Killian. Just. Let. It. Go!_  
_Regina: I can't believe you really threw that in again. _  
_Emma: Desperate times -_  
_Killian: call for desperate measures? *rushes on* yes, we do finish each other's sentences, although I refuse to touch any of your bologna __sandwiches._  
_Regina: I'm going to leave now and try to quarantine myself from this madness._  
_Emma: Good, now get out of the coat, pirate, so I can thoroughly pummel you._  
_Killian: Swan, I think I might agree with the mysterious tumblr on this one in saying that I might require a bit more...enticement..._  
_CS shippers: *holding breath* Hear that dramatic music?_  
_Charming: *shouts around corner* I know with my killer Daddy instinct that someone who loves my daughter immensely is going to possibly try and engage in some show of affection. I will come and terrorize you if need be. _  
_Emma: Dad! Ugh, that is so weird._

Charming: You... you called me dad? Thank you Emma, that really helps placate my nagging guilt over your growing up feeling lost and abandoned. We should probably bond over power tools and weaponry now.  
Killian: I could call you dad?  
CS shippers: *holds breath*  
Charming: *Punches Killian* Ah, that felt good. Also...nothing but a pirate, stay away from my little girl, etc. etc.  
Killian: You're not even trying anymore are you, Charming? You used to punch like it meant something *sigh* Also, you punch like a -  
Emma: *punches Killian*  
Killian: Never mind.  
Hook: *punches Killian*  
Emma: What the hell?  
Hook: Oh, sorry... I thought it was a thing.  
Killian: Why do I hang out with you people?  
Hook: Because you gave up your glaringly-obvious-symbol-of-power-masculinity-and-independence for a lass, mate. Good on you, I'm goin' to the rabbit hole.  
Emma: Can he do that?  
Killian: *shrugs* ask Archie, I thought he was in my head.  
Archie: Is anyone else concerned that -  
Grumpy: EVIL SNOWMEN!  
Everyone: NOT YET!  
Grumpy: *cough* sorry. How the hell am I supposed to know when the time is right?  
RB Shippers: Hey guys... um... hi. We're still here. And we have like... actual... relatable issues of trust in long term relationships to deal with.  
Emma: Look Grumpy, I know you mean well but you have to get the moment. Wait until Killian and I are having a moment of unusual unguardedness...THEN, right before I speak you can come in.

* * *

**I love once upon a time and captain swan with all my heart. But sometimes you have to take a step back and laugh a bit.**

**TBC ... because Pascale and I can't seem to stop...**


	2. Chapter 2

_Grumpy: I think you should practice a little bit, make sure we all actually know what's going on._  
_Emma:I don't know. All of Emma's character development has to be spontaneous._  
_Killian: It's okay love, no one will see these first attempts._  
_Emma: Attempts? How hard do you think it is for me to actually open up and be slightly vulnerable? _  
_The fandom: *silence*_  
_Charming: Don't worry, using my new Dad skills, I'll be right here catching the whole thing on camcorder. Or is an iPhone more hip?_  
_Emma: O_O _  
_Killian: Uh, Emma, what was that? Besides an oddly adorable expression of surprise/disbelief?_  
_Emma: Okay, let's just get this over with. Ready everyone?_  
_Charming: Yup. Just hang on, I need to find the video option. Oooh, look, pictures of Mary Margaret and baby Neal! Look guys, aren't they adorable?_  
_Emma: Just get over yourself. _  
_Charming: That wasn't very nice. At this rate, Grumpy will never get to enter._  
_Killian: Well, I'd rather enjoy that. _  
_Grumpy: Hey, you got a problem buddy? (I'm not really offended, I'm just supposed to be)_  
_Killian: No, but it would be nice to not work on a drama for once...you know, actually enjoy the peace and quiet. I know! Swan, let's run off on the Jolly Roger and live peacefully for a little while._  
_Emma: Killian, we can't. We need to get paid for being harrassed on the show and-_  
_Killian: Start a new show. "Captain Swan"_  
_CS shippers: *screaming* Yes please! #bbies #true love #offensively attractive men being offensively attractive #my life will end_  
_Grumpy: Dude, you don't have the Jolly Roger_  
_Fandom: *crying*_  
_Killian: :((((((((((((((((_  
_Emma: Dear-love-my pirate-babe, that's not how those work_  
_Killian: *ridiculously beaming through slight tears* Most wondrous Swan, love of my live, darling lass, that's not how those work either. Of course it doesn't make me ridiculously happy. Nope, not at all._

Charming: I think you guys broke the internet again.  
Emma: Well that's because GRUMPY missed his cue. You're supposed to come in right BEFORE we have significant character development.  
Grumpy: I give up. Do you think Granny's has been cooking bacon over the hiatus... Because I never know if you're going to hit him or kiss him.  
Killian: Me neither.  
Grumpy: *Grumbles* There better be bacon...or this town really will be under attack...  
Emma: Maybe we really should start a new show. Captain Swan sounds great. The Adventures of Captain Emma Swan and her first mate Baelfire on their epic voyage from New York back to Maine after commandeering Captain Hook's precious boat-  
Killian: *grumbles* ship... Wait, I'm sorry did you say something else... I was distracted by your lips moving.  
Emma: You know what Killian. I scratched it too.  
Killian: You did not!  
Emma: While parking, and you didn't even notice :P  
Killian: *sigh* you don't park a ship, Swan.  
Charming: You don't anyway... Because you don't have a ship.  
Killian: *Puppy pirate eyes*  
Charming: *Punches Killian*  
Killian: What was that for !?  
Charming: Sorry, mate, I just can't have you breaking the internet again before I upload this video of Emma saying 'my pirate baby.'  
Captain Charming shippers: Did you hear that. Charming called him mate with only a little sarcasm... best BrOTP ever!  
Emma: You wouldn't dare.  
Charming: I have so much embarrassing you to catch up on, Emma, this is only the beginning.  
Emma: Wasn't tacos bad enough?  
Charming: mmm... I love tacos.  
Emma: Ew... Well perhaps Killian and I are going to go make tacos  
CS shippers: ...  
Killian: What are tacos?  
Emma: ...

_Belle: Tacos are a type of food. They generally consist of some sort of meat, lettuce, tomato, and cheese. Here, you can read this book about it. _*leaves*__  
_Rumbelle shippers: ?__ ...at least she's leaving to be with Rumple...right?_  
_Killian: now that I think about it, we haven't had an eating scene yet. Does Granny's serve tacos?_  
_Charming and Emma: *choking*_  
_Killian: Oh no, you're quite right, we should start with the dashing rescue scene to build up an appetite. Where are your keys, mate? I need to gallantly run your truck into two mailboxes, three trees, one stop sign, and 1/2 of a pedestrian all while begging Emma to not die on the way to the hospital.  
_Charming: It's ...possible I gave my keys to Henry. You know, because I'm so cool.  
_Emma: How about we don't? Although... that would give Regina a reason to get in a fist-fight with me._  
_Regina: Finally, someone is making some sense. I volunteer that the 1/2 of a pedestrian who is hit be Marian...also I didn't say that._  
_Charming: I am so keeping this recording to play back in all of your faces at really bad intervals to add to the drama._  
_Regina: *throws fireball at camera* Sorry, I've got one of those scripted every other episode._  
_Killian: *stomach growls* Oy, love, I think I have become quite famished by all this talk of adventure. Can we please find some sustenance, I'm willing to try these tacos._  
_The fandom: *held breath*_  
_Charming: O_O_  
_Regina: I was planning on making lasagna, because that is the only thing I can ever make even though it apparently isn't that great, be we can do tacos instead. As long as you bring Henry (who conveniently won't be at school anymore)._  
_Emma: Hey, whoa, if you want tacos, get your own pirate. _  
_Regina: I could use this opportunity to remind you that I'm extremely angry that you ruined my happiness... or I will show character development and not burn you to a crisp for inadvertently bringing up the fact that my outlaw is with his wife._  
_Robin: *hiding in a basement* What is my life?_  
_Killian: Swan, am I missing something? Is this 'taco' some sort of ritual? Like a toast?_  
_Charming: I'm too busy laughing at you all to pull the offended dad card right now. Hey, let's go play poker, we need to have a guys night. _  
_Killian: No, I want my tacos. Now!_  
_Emma: Whoa, don't go asking for things you don't know about, even if you're an adorable lost pirate whom-I-kinda-sort-of-love-very-much-but-will-only-acknowledge-it-in-brief-spurts-of-passionate-affection._  
_Charming: O_o_  
_Regina: Well, I'll go eat my tacos by myself, since Graham is dead and Charming here turned me down flat in a very awkward episode for everyone involved._  
_Killian: it was awkward for me and I wasn't even there. *puppy dog eyes* c'mon Swan. _  
_Emma: heh, well... *eyes start wandering, #hot damn #stop licking your lips dummy*_  
_Killian: Gotta evoke a sense of deja vu... *voice drops 8 octaves* Perhaps you're the one who couldn't handle it._  
_Emma: I'm pretty sure I'm about to prove you wrong_  
_CS shippers: *screaming so loud we can't hear the music* *dancing in front of the TV so we miss the scene in which they may or may not have actually kissed*_  
_Grumpy: Guys, we're being attacked!_  
_Killian:Bloody hell mate. You have bloody terrible bloody timing. Bugger off. *death glare of attractiveness*_  
_CS shippers: *dead*_  
_Emma: *giggles*_  
_CS shippers: *dead*_  
_Charming: *pointedly checking phone*_  
_Grumpy: Hey, I did what you asked. You said to come at the precise moment when it would shatter all those happy illusions made by those fans out there. And this show is on ABC, so I thought it would be great to interrupt and remind you that we're not HBO. *deep breath* We're being attacked!_

* * *

**I'm glad you all enjoyed the giggles as much as we did.**

**Once again this has been a rambling inanity by Gusenitsa and _Pascale d'Artagne._**


	3. Chapter 3

CS shippers: *google ABC HBO Crossovers* *collective sigh of disappointment*  
Elsa: No seriously, you're being attacked.  
Everyone: WHAT!  
Emma: I thought that was just a plot device to interrupt at awkward times?  
Belle: No.. that's me.  
Emma: Belle, come on, you've already had a line this episode.  
Belle: TRUE LOVE!  
Regina: That's nice, dear.  
Belle: *leaves ... because... you know books and stuff*  
Elsa: Hi, I'm misunderstood.  
Regina: Aren't we all?  
Charming: I'm not *magically appears in red cape and on a white horse* I'm prince bloody charming!  
Killian: Good for you, mate.  
Charming: At least somebody appreciates me.  
Killian: I do. And I'm tired of all this drama and I'm still hungry. Let's go get tacos?  
Charming: ...  
CC BroTP Shippers: Well ... that escalated quickly...  
Charming: *Backs away slowly*  
Elsa: What the hell is wrong with you people? You are being attacked!  
Killian: *Throws himself in front of Emma*  
Emma: Umm Killian, what the hell was that?  
Killian: Seemed like a good idea at the time.  
Elsa: So you at least do understand the concept... *sigh* don't even feel conflicted about freezing your town anymore.

_Emma: Fine, just do it already. *glances down* Killian, why are you still on the floor?_  
_Killian: Another mandate from our dear directors._  
_Emma: Oh, right. Captain Floor strikes again. I should be jealous._  
_Killian: There are soooo many innuendos I could be making right now, which everyone would love, except I may be relapsing from dashing rapscallion to adorable pirate puppy. *puppy eyes* Can we please get some lunch, Swan?_  
_CS shippers: *cough* tacos *cough*_  
_Emma: Let it go, alright? We have a problem here._  
_Elsa:? Should I get mad that you're stealing my lines?_  
_Charming and Killian: Let it go._  
_Emma: Ugh, I am soooooo done._  
_Elsa: You let it go._  
_Emma: No, you let it go._  
_Killian: ... *stomach growls*... *puppy face*_  
_Regina: Right. You two just go make the tacos already, whichever kind you really mean, and we'll cut away from you so the fandom can choose whichever one they want. I'll battle Elsa. You know, plot. And fireballs. _And possibly some character development if there's time.  
_Killian: Right love,you heard her._  
_Emma: I feel like this is going to come back and bite us in two episodes._  
_Elsa: Hey, you can't leave! You're supposed to get to know my character so we can create animosity._  
_Rumple: Is this a bad time? *glares* You! Feel our deep and complicated backstory causing extreme tension which leaves everyone else confused._

Killian: I thought that was our thing Rumple? You mean you have deep and complicated back story with another character?  
Rumple: I'm a complicated man. But don't worry, pirate I will always view you with profound distaste.  
Killian: And I still think your a bloody coward and a demon. It's a relief that in the midst of all this madness some things are constant  
Charming: Besides Snowing, you mean.  
Killian: Obviously.  
Emma: And the leather jackets.  
Killian: Emma I told you, my coat is going away soon. It's a powerful symbol of turning over a new leaf... giving up the pirating lifestyle. (Because apparently giving up the Jolly Roger isn't dramatic enough for you people. What more do you want from me?) Also, after three seasons it is in serious need of leather conditioner.  
Emma: Can I have a costume change too?  
Killian: I'm rather attached to your leather's, love. *tugs on jacket*  
CS shippers: *Melt into puddle of feels* He touched her, and she moved closer. Did you see that. Look at the way she's standing, look at the angle of his head. That twenty degree head tilt is definitely a sign of true love and devotion.  
Emma: *sigh* So is anyone going to tell us about this deep and complicated backstory... it's probably marginally more important than Killian's head tilt.  
CS Shippers: *shake heads solemnly*  
Elsa: It's complicated. And if I just told you about it now my arc would be cut down to three episodes.  
Rumple: And I'm just secretive and a little sketchy.

_Charming: What, Rumple hasn't told us all of his thousands of secrets? He's betrayed us!  
Belle: No! I'm sure there's an explanation. Besides, he totally gave me his dagger of extreme power that he would never in a million years give to anyone because he loves me. __  
Rumple:_ ...yeah..._  
Emma: My super power is going off. You're lying._

Killian: My super power is going off too, and I don't even have a super power.  
Emma: Is that an innuendo of some kind?  
Killian: *Shrugs*, Probably, sometimes I don't even know. _  
_Belle: but TRUE LOVE is more powerful than anything (except you know... Zelena...that was embarrassing.) This dagger is symbolic of our true love, trust and commitment!  
Rumple: Right... Now...Let's talk about how embarrassing that Zelena thing was...

_Belle: *gasp* How could you? I am going to jump to conclusions now even though I was just defending you a moment ago. *throws fake dagger at his feet* *runs away*  
Rumple: Now look what you've done! It is all your fault that my past actions _and deceitful nature_ caused my relationship to end badly. Now you've ruined my AND Regina's happiness forever *sulks in corner*  
_RB sippers: Damn it Rumple. Are you even trying with this whole character development thing?_  
Emma: *sniffle* I refuse to cry and show you how hurt I am by that. I'm bottling it all up to have an emotionally charged angst session later with Killian.  
Charming: Hey, hang on. Killian's my mate. We're going out for guys' night, remember? You'll have to save it for a couple more episodes.  
Killian: It's okay Swan, I'm quite adept at yearning looks and angsty expressions *puppy face*  
Charming: Hey, I'm talking to you pirate. Pay attention to me and our relationship as a BroTP, and this is totally not a very subtle way for me to keep you and Emma away from each other.  
_Emma: ... you mean it's not subtle or it's not a way for you to keep us apart?  
Charming: *cough* So anyway, we already had plans, right pirate?_  
Killian: I think I'll pass, we really should get our angsty moment in sooner so we can have even more of them.  
Charming: *pouts* I'm not giving up. *pulls out phone, starts song* I will spend screen time with you! *starts dancing*  
Regina: I'm really feeling a fireball right about now.  
Emma: Why can't any of us move? Did someone cast a spell again? _Seriously there has got to be a better way to give the writers time to do exposition dump._  
Charming: *dancing* Wait for it, wait for it... *music, "something something HARLEM SHAKE" *  
Killian and Charming: *dancing absurdly*  
Fandom: *dying*  
Regina: I'm going to leave. See you all again when you want to accuse me of something.  
Emma: Really? That was so three years ago.  
Charming: *still dancing* That's okay. The die-hard fans won't care, the fangirls won't care, and everyone who re-watches this in three years will excuse it just as they don't question our really outdated cell phones before 3B.  
Killian: This is fun. I do not know what the name has to do with anything.  
Emma: Can we move on now?  
Charming: Nope. I paid for the extended version of this song. I dunno, Harlem Shake, we're like shaking or something? Who needs explanations?  
Killian: Oh. So, shake... like this?  
Fandom: *blushing fiercely* "Oh, hey mom, nope, not watching anything, totes doing homework..."  
Elsa: Hey yo, I'm still here. Can we get back to the plot? As a new character, I'm still slightly invested in it.  
Fandom: NO! Who needs plot?! *cough* Oh, yes, quite right, carry on..._

* * *

**Lol, Guest, we must be on the same brain wave. Elsa, as requested.**

**I personally feel bad for Marian, though. She did nothing wrong and I really hope that they do not take the easy way out and demonize her. ****We all want Regina to be happy now but we can't pretend she is blameless and she's going to have to deal with that now. Oh dramas.**

**Also we may have a problem. . .**

**_Emma: Red!_  
_Killian: ...I feel my soul on fire._  
_Regina: Black! _  
_Killian: ... my world if she's not there_  
_Emma: Red! _  
_Killian: ...the colour of desire._  
_Regina: Black! *glares*_  
_Killian: ...*stares at bottle of rum* the colour of despair!_  
_Charming: Who cares about your worldly woes? Does it really matter, the colour of Henry's pillows and throws?_  
_\- Silence -_  
_Emma and Regina: *back away*_  
_Charming: What have I done?_  
_Killian: If I speak, I am condemned... *pulls out rum* Drink with me._  
_Charming: *nods* To days gone by_ **

**Yup... definitely a problem**


	4. Chapter 4

Snow: Hey! We're about to have Plot so I felt the sudden urge to rejoin the group to discuss it.  
Rumple: Curses, me too, If I'm here there must be some magic afoot for me to explain.  
Belle: I brought books! They look old and are therefore reliable.  
Killian: Wow, look how many people have come to watch our dance.  
Emma: Elsa, can your first act as misunderstand villain be to freeze those two in place?  
Elsa: I think that might be best for all involved but I'd probably accidentally freeze Killian's heart and trigger a snowball of plot that cannot end anywhere but TLK, but then somehow just ends with you thawing him out with a hairdryer.  
Emma: Can we find some time in there for an angsty mixture of anger at having been abandoned again and guilt at having caused his frozen heart?  
Elsa: Fine... but be quick about it. I only have 9 episodes to get through shallow backstory, menacing development, deeper highly sympathetic backstory, before my final progression into somewhere in the spectrum of anti-hero to hero when the real villain appears.  
Emma: You've got a tight schedule... must be tough not being a regular. It took me three whole seasons to learn how to smile.  
Belle: Actually sometimes even regulars don't get a lot of-  
Emma: Never mind, I'll stop them.  
RB shippers: Are you fricken kidding me?  
Emma: Killian! I swear if you don't stop that immediately you will never... ever get tacos.  
Charming: Don't give up now, Pirate, you have to finish the song!  
Killian: Taco's do sound good though...  
Charming: They're not, trust me.  
Killian: You said you liked them.  
Charming: I like them... but you wouldn't and Emma... Emma hates tacos.  
Elsa: I'm going to go ahead inexplicably disappear for a while so that you have to figure out what I'm up to indirectly. I hear there's an old cabin with a swimming pool out front in the woods somewhere for me to hang out playing chess until I'm needed to move the plot forward.  
Killian: *glares at Rumpelstiltskin*  
Rumple: Oh come on, Zelena had my dagger.  
Belle: (Oh yeah... that's right ZELENA got the real one now didn't she. That's probably disturbingly symbolic somehow.)  
Rumple: I didn't really want to drown you, you know, Killian. *glances hopefully at Belle* I'm ... you know... changed or something.  
Emma : You're also lying  
Rumple: Lol, yeah. I really thought I had you that time. If only Emma hadn't had one of her intense bouts of emotion just then and kissed you.  
Emma: It wasn't a kiss! It was CPR... sort of ...  
Charming: You kissed him? That's why you lost your powers? Emma, you have to be more careful sweetie.  
Emma: Do you even know how old I am, dad?  
Snow: If it makes you feel better we don't even know how old we are. Really though, you have to be careful around boys Emma.  
Killian: Bloody hell, I'm over three hundred years old. Will everyone stop calling me a boy?  
Emma: Yeah, throw a fit Killian, that will make people think you're mature.  
Killian: But I'm not allowed to make people walk the plank anymore... I can't even threaten it to remind people that I'm supposed to be a scary pirate when I was really always written to be a puppy.  
Hook: Bloody puppy. You know I was a strong independent character once ... with his own arc and goals.  
*clicking sound*  
Hook: Come on really? ... Is that all I am to you people? I'd make you all walk the plank, I bloody swear.  
*clicking intensifies*  
Hook: What ... what is it this time?  
Emma: Probably Princess/Pirate fics...They spike whenever you go all hard core...*sigh* Can we please have this conversation while walking?  
Killian: Why?  
Emma: Because it creates the impression of the plot moving forward.  
Grumpy: Actually why don't we try running? That creates good build up for climactic moments... also EVIL SNOWMEN!  
Killian: Hurry up Emma... You have to lead!  
Emma: What! Why!?  
Killian: Because it's representative of you being the slightly impulsive hero type leader and me being the planing type (that will nonetheless support you no matter what.)  
Emma: Ah, Right!  
Killian: Also, it increases the chances of me getting in a dashing rescue scene...

____Anna: Oooh, how romantic. I wish someone would rescue me.  
____Killian: And you are...?__  
Elsa: Oh...That's my sister. _  
_Charming: Why does this plot device sound familiar?  
__Emma: A close sibling without whom someone completely spirals off the deep end... Hmmm *glances at Killian* Nah, sounds completely novel to me._  
_Elsa: Go away Anna. I need to properly terrorize the town before you tell them all of my soft side._  
_Anna: *pouts*_  
_Killian: *pouts* _  
_Emma: Now what? Other people are allowed to have emotionally charged glances, you know. _  
_Killian: But we put them all to shame, love. *yearning glance*_  
_Emma: Save it for when we're alone and I can actually try and open up a little, alright? You know I have emotional public insecurities._  
_Elsa: You too? _  
_Emma: Hey, I was here first. And yes, about 100% of us are emotionally unstable. 99.9999% of the time._  
_Killian: And I'll always catch you when you fall._  
_CS shippers: Awwwww_  
_Emma: Keep dreaming buddy and don't follow up with some stupid innuendo that makes me roll my eyes and blush slightly._  
_Killian: As you wish_  
_CS shippers: *dying*_  
_Emma: Ugh, you know I can't resist it when you do that. Everyone, close your eyes, we need to have a serious make out session but you all aren't allowed to look because we're trying to have a secret-not-really-secret-relationship._  
_CS shippers: *dead*_  
_OQ shippers: Stop being so happy. You guys get worked up over every little thing *whacks over head with newspaper*_Emma: Hurry and get some plot guys, we need to distract the fandom. _  
_Elsa: Well, that is why I'm here. Anna, you have to leave. _  
_Anna: No! I am totally justified in being more stubborn than a two year old._

Elsa: No really, get out. You are a part of the sympathetic backstory episodes, Anna, you can't be here mellowing me out for at least a few episodes.  
Anna: Well what am I supposed to do until then?  
Elsa: Just go play with the reindeer boy.  
Kristoff: HEY!  
Anna: Fine. But I want a major roll in backstory. I mean like PIVOTAL to character development.  
Rumple: Careful what you wish for, dearie. Milah was pivotal to character development.  
Anna: Who's that?  
Rumple: Exactly.  
Killian: Eh! Watch it crocodile.  
Rumple: What are you going to do, yearn at me?  
Anna: No really, who's Milah? I think I might be being not-so-subtly threatened right now and I want to know why!  
Belle: Awkwardly enough it seems I have to explain this part as being the book worm gives me essentially a narrator's roll in providing exposition. So, Milah is Rumple's ex-wife and Killian's ex-lover and Emma's ex-baby-daddy's mother ... it's all really unnecessarily complicated ... Anyway she came down with a really nasty case of death by backstory.  
Killian: Death by crocodile you mean.  
Belle: Details details. Anyway the point is she was introduced for the sole purpose of making Captain Hook look like a sympathetic antihero and potential love interest. Though it didn't work.  
CS shippers: Really?  
Belle: Come on... you wear more eyeliner than everyone else in this town combined.  
Killian: It's kohl, luv.  
Belle: No it's not. It's eyeliner. They just have to call it kohl so you don't feel emasculated. And you shot me. Why does everybody keep forgetting he shot me. And you nicked the cover of one of my favorite books.  
Killian: Come now, lass, there were mitigating circumstances...Actually.. wait... which one of those are you more upset about at the moment?  
Elsa: All right, clearly you people have some issues so if you don't mind I'm going to go have a mental breakdown and make it snow. A lot.  
Anna: OH! That's a great idea, Do you wanna-  
Elsa: GO AWAY ANNA  
Anna: Ok bye. *disappears for long enough to allow Elsa to cause Plot like things to happen*  
*Snow starts falling*  
Charming: Hey guys I think she was serious about the snow...  
Emma: All right people, this is not a drill. Separate yourselves into thematic groups so that being stuck together during a snow storm causes massive drama!

_Snow: I'm going inside with Neal. I'll get Marco to come over and fix our heater so we get minor character inclusion._  
_Charming: Alright pirate, you're with me. We can get knocked out then wander around bonding while trying to find Emma._  
_Emma: Hey! I wanted bonding time._  
_Charming: Aww, I can't say no to my daughter._  
_Killian: I thought she meant me mate._  
_Emma: Oh no, I'm going to bail out of this potentially formative situation by panicking over Henry's safety. _  
_Regina: I'd better come and add to the tension. _  
_Belle: I'll come too-_  
_Rumple: No, you won't. *disappears*_  
_Belle: Sigh. I guess I should listen and go read some books. _  
_Charming: I'm concerned about Rumple. His reappearances are always a source of conflict. _  
_Elsa: Should I leave now, or do you need more plot? I kind of need to go design a few cool new snow dresses to make everyone envious._  
_Anna: I'll come too!_  
_Elsa: NO! Go with that reindeer man?_  
_Ruby: Sorry, you mean this guy I was flirting with?_

Whale: Now I don't know what to do. I could go with Mary Margaret which would be super awkward because I've seen her-  
Charming: WHALE!  
Whale: I think perhaps I'll stay with Ruby.  
Charming: Hurry up... she's leaving and if she gets out of frame who knows when we'll see her again.

Emma: Wait, seriously guys, where's Henry?  
Snow: Isn't he at school? I thought that was always where he was when he was out of frame?  
Emma: Aren't you the teacher!?  
Snow: Oh yeah, I knew I was forgetting something.  
Emma: Oh no... #saveHenry #again *runs off*  
Killian: Well... I guess I'm going to run after her... it's kind of what I do *chases after Emma*  
Charming:.. I thought we were going to hang out  
Snow: It's ok, Charming, you can hang out with me and Neal. You know since we're the perfect amazing family unit and we always find each other.  
_Marco: hey, I'm actually present as something other than support for Pinocchio_

Regina: You people make me sick. I'm going to go find Henry on my own. Also probably find Robin and get forced into highly angsty situations.

Belle: Where did everyone go? ... Dang it they always forget about me. I guess I'll just... you know... go to the library.


	5. Chapter 5

_Whale: ..._  
_Ruby:...?_  
_Whale: It's just been so long since I've had an actual script that I dont know what to say._  
_Ruby: I feel you._  
_Frankenwolf shippers: *wake up from hybernation* Huh, what?  
_Whale: We should take advantage of it...before we inexplicably vanish midseason again once all the CS/RB/OQM drama kicks up.  
Ruby: Being dropped so abruptly can't be good for our heads... you know... couldn't it cause whiplash or something?  
Whale: I could check your neck if you like. You can trust me, I'm a Dr.  
Frankenwolf shippers: *shake head sleepily* wait.. really? is this actually happening?  
Ruby: Are you flirting with me Dr.?  
Frankenwolf shippers:OMG...It's happening...guys it's happening!  
Whale: It's about to get really cold in here, I'll make sure you don't get-  
*abrupt scene cut*

Frankenwolf shippers: Damn you all.

* * *

__Regina: Henry, where are you?  
Robin: Drat, she's here! How'd she find my basement? _I'm not ready to deal with conflict._  
Marian: If you don't want to see her, tell her to go away.  
Roland: *looks adorable*  
Regina: Henr- *glares* You!  
\- dramatic commercial break -__

__Kristoff: Hey Sven, have a carrot.  
Sven: *munch*__

__...__

__Fandom: You've got to be kidding me.__

* * *

_Killian: Swan, we've looked everywhere._  
_Emma: No! I refuse to have an emotional breakdown this early in the season. Emotional stuff is only for the finale._  
_Killian: I quite liked the last one, I must say. _  
_Emma: I wonder...How do I get the costume people to give me more of those princess dresses?_  
_Killian: I give my full support. _  
_Hans: Did someone say princess? _  
_Emma and Killian: Who the bloody hell are you?_  
_Killian and CS shippers: Awww_  
_CS shippers: *dying*_  
_Hans: *takes Emma's hand* Prince Hans of the-_  
_Emma: *punches Hans*_  
_Killian: _I think that was my line, love..._Not that I don't approve, but it's rather bad form to punch someone before you're properly introduced._  
_Hans: Mmf, what was that for?_  
_Emma: You touched me. I have personal space issues *glares* Also, I dont want to meet any new characters. You'll probably just fill our lives with troublesome angst and plot which will keep me from Henry._

Hans: I could be misunderstood too, couldn't I?  
Emma: Oh dear God, not another one.  
Killian: What?  
Emma: I meant, oh good, I love character development! Anti-heroes are the best.  
Killian: Anti-hero? WTH happened to you are too?  
Emma: Anti-hero is still a hero. They just might go on a understandable but still not morally justified rampage of carnage and destruction along the way.  
Killian: I'm still allowed to do that?  
Emma: You are a pirate.  
Killian: I'm your pirate.  
(Hook: Just shoot me now.)  
Hans: Sooooooo, Princess...What are you doing later?  
Emma: Really? That's the best you've got.  
Killian: She's right. I'm not even jealous. And I'm even jealous of myself.  
Emma: It's true, he is.  
Hook: I mean who wouldn't be jealous of me, let's be fair.  
Hans: Will you Marry me?  
Killian: Sorry, mate, I don't -  
Hans: Not you! Princess, would you marry me?  
Emma: *Pokes hans* are you... real?

* * *

_Neal: Burrp_  
_Charming: Does that count as his first word?_  
_Snow: No silly, that's always something like Mom, or Mommy, or Mama *cuddles Neal* Isn't that right, your Daddy's so silly. Really silly._  
_Charming: No way. *starts cooing* Your Momma's the silly one. It's supposed to be Daddy._  
_Neal: *gurgle* _  
_Charming: O_O _  
_Snow: Well, we'll keep trying._  
_Neal: *opens mouth really wide* Ki-i-i-illy. Killy. *laughs*_  
_Snow and Charming: O_O _  
_Charming: No..._  
_Snow: ..._  
_Charming: No, that doesn't count._  
_Snow:..._  
_Charming: NO._  
_Snow: ..._  
_Neal: Killy. Killy. KILLY_  
_Snow: He's pretty insistent. You know I'm not happy either, but...it is what it is._  
_Charming: *huff* Not fair. How does that pirate manage to steal the affection of BOTH our children?  
_

Snow: Don't tell Killian. I'm going to get a cat, we'll name it Kitty.

_Charming: I'm allergic to cats._  
_Snow: ...So, we say we got a cat, then realised you're allergic, so we let it go._  
_Fandom: *snickers* she said let it go._  
_Charming: Sounds good._

* * *

Emma: *still poking Hans*  
Hans: Of course I'm real, didn't you see the casting call?  
Emma: But everyone already knows you're a bad guy  
Hans: You mean like him *glances at Killian*  
Emma: Good point...  
Killian: Oh come on, Henry showed me this guy in the moving picture box!  
Emma: Perhaps we should have showed you Peter Pan too.  
Killian: He's in the moving picture box too?  
Emma: Remember perms?  
Killian: Which are a bad thing.  
Emma: Very, very bad.  
Hans: Can we get back to me please? I'm a dashing-  
Killian: *draws cutless* Don't you dare touch my adjectives.  
Hans: I don't think one can actually lay claim to adjectives... now, my princess  
Killian: *advances* you most certainly can not have that either  
Emma: *punches Killian*  
Killian: Oh come on, I meant the name not the princess! Not that you _can_ have the P - *glances sidelong at Emma* *Cough…* I'm just going to stop.  
Emma: Ah, I suppose I may have overreacted... you know just a touch.  
Killian: There's literally no way to respond to that so I'm just going to go back to threatening the ponce.  
Hans: Mind your tongue sir, I am a prince!  
Killian: 13th in line... doesn't really count. I have it on good authority that Prince Charles is first in line.  
Emma: How did you figure that out.  
Killian: I asked Henry. He keeps an extensive library in his phone... must be quite heavy.  
Hans: I really must insist we get back to the important part of this scene!  
Emma: And what is that?  
Hans: Me asking you to marry me, of course. I am, in fact the closest thing you've got to foreign royalty in this town. Where is your father so we can-  
Emma: *Punches Hans and walks away*  
Hans: I think I'll have better luck with Elsa than with you.  
Killian: *Nods proudly and procedes to not be done chasing that woman*

Emma: *stops abruptly* Killian?  
Killian : *almost runs into Emma* Yes?  
Emma: Is that a...  
Killian: Giant snowman... yes... yes it is. Turns out the dwarf wasn't making it up after all.  
Emma: Maybe it's a nice snowman?  
Killian: Let's find out, shall we? *throws snowball*  
Giant Snowman: *ROAR* *BAD_CGI_GROWLING*  
Emma: RUUUUUUUN ... God, Killian, were you even paying attention to the movie?  
*Yet another running scene with surprising normal dialogue*  
Killian: I DISTINCTLY remember a nice snowman singing about summer in a marvelous use of dramatic irony!  
Emma: DONT SAY DRAMATIC IRONY, we don't want them to get any ideas.  
*Camera pans down the road to show an inexplicable cliff just outside of town*  
Emma: See what you just did. The camera's went away for a second and now there's probably some horrible trap waiting for us somewhere ahead!  
Killian: Ah, Well... when we finish dealing with the ominous threat. You know if we're still alive ... do you want to go get coffee at Granny's?  
Emma: Did you actually just ask me out while RUNNING FROM A GIANT SNOWMAN!  
Killian: Seemed like a good idea at the time...

* * *

_Charming: Hey, we should probably get back to the action soon._  
_Snow: *sigh* can't we just relax for a bit? I'm supposed to just have given birth like a week ago. I could go without the drama._  
_Charming: Okay, I guess we can sit in here and have heartfelt conversations. Can we please just go out later?_  
_Snow: you're just jealous of Killian for getting to run around and have adventures._  
_Charming: what if I am? *pulls out sword* I'm an expert adventurer!_  
_Neal: *burbles*_  
_Charming: Aww, does the lil guy want a sword too?_  
_Daddy! Charming fans: *melts*_  
_Snow: I feel like I should admonish you as the mellow, anti violence character...but with our luck, he will need it._  
_*ball of ice flies through window*_  
_Charming: well, at least this CGI is slightly better this season._  
_Snow: Yeah, remember Zelena on a broomstick? *shudder*_  
_Snow monster: Gwarhhh!_  
_Neal: Wahhhh!_  
_Snow monster: ?_  
_Neal: WHAAAAAAAH!_  
_Snow monster: *whimper**jumps back out window*__  
_

Charming: Did our infant just scare away evil snow minions?  
Snow: We have the most awesome kids ever.

* * *

Belle:*sings* And so I'll read a book, or maybe two or three.I'll add a few new paintings to my gallery...I'll play guitar and knit...And cook and basically...Just wonder when will my life begin? *sigh*  
Rumple: Don't be upset, Belle, you only have to stay in your tower *cough* library until it's safe. I just don't want you to get hurt.  
Belle: And from past history we know the library is by far the safest place in town? Besides I want to go on an adventure! And now, if anything bad happens I can just summon you with the dagger and you can come poof me away.  
*Mounting tension music*  
Rumple: You should probably just call me cell... you know... Magic always comes with a price... Not because it wouldn't work.  
Belle: You're probably right and thats's not at all suspicious.  
fandom: yeah... that's not gunna bite him in the...*cough*  
Belle: *relieved sigh* We should probably kiss now, so people don't think this is the captain swan show.  
Rumple: Ok, but not too much happiness... If things get too happy for us something bad is bound to happen... not that I've any idea what that mounting tension music is about...  
*Mounting tension music*  
Rumple: STOP THAT!  
Belle: I'm not afraid of menacing music. We're true love, nothing could ever hurt us as long as we love and trust each other  
fandom:Winces  
Rumple:Winces  
Belle: *sighs obliviously*

* * *

**AN: This hiatus needs to be over. That is all. **


	6. Welcome to Season 5!

_**Welcome to part 1 of OUAT season 5. This is a very serious work of literary genius. Check your sense of humor at the door there's no room for it here. **_

_**This is chock full of references to spoilers so if you're trying to avoid them... well... not sure what you're doing here!**_

* * *

**Swan**: *Vanishes in a swirling vortex that does not at _all_ resemble a unicorn*

**Killian**: I'm cursed. I'm cursed to spend every bloody hiatus pining. Why am I cursed to spend every hiatus pining?

**Writers**: Because you pining is our bread and butter. How else are we supposed to make sure people are on the edge of their seats all hiatus?

**Killian**: Couldn't you just keep giving Swan and I casual intimacy scenes and making people argue about whether there's more happening behind the scenes?

**CS Coffee Conglomerate**: We all know they've done it. I mean… _look_ at them #neverland renaissance

**Romantic consortium: **No way, there's no way we don't know for _sure. _I mean … Snowing got that scene. OQ even got one and they've only been together a few weeks!

**Killian**: See, that would have worked. There was no reason for this whole self-sacrificial plo-

**Regina**: What… an… Idiot.

**Snowing**: Regina!

**Regina**: WHAT? Doesn't she realize how inconvenient this is for me. Now we have to have an entire character arc that is not about me.

**Fandom**: REGINA!

**Regina**: Was I talking out loud again?

**Robin**: Yeah, kinda were.

**Killian**: So are we all just going to stand here… never mind. I'm _not _going another hiatus in pining mode. *makes for dagger*

**Robin**: If you think about it, it is kind of a natural stopping poin-

**Killian**: BACK OFF.

*mysterious ticking noise*

**Robin**: WTH?

**Killian**: You gave me the chance to exude dominance over someone else on screen. I'm told that the sound that follows is the sound of pirate/princess fiction being born into existence.

**Robin**: That... makes me slightly uncomfortable. Also I think there's a decent chance the dark one will kill us all if she does come...so I'm going to step back a few feet.

**Killian**: *summons dark one*

*crickets*

**Killian**: *glances at Henry*

**CaptainCobra brigade**: OMG he's looking at Henry, Henry looked back at him. They're gunna be such a happy, beautiful family. CAPTAIN CHARMING TO THE RESCUE!

**Killian**: Maybe I just didn't enunciate clearly enough... *summons dark one again...*

*crickets*

**CSers**: *Sobbing*

(**Fandom**: I mean, what did you really expect?)

**Belle: **Well at least she's not indefinitely unconscious. I don't think this bodes well for my already precarious claim to screen time. I'm thinking about starting a book club. Maybe take up knitting?

**Ruby**: Might as well. I've got nothing better to do apparently.

**Granny**: Where the hell did you come from?

**Ruby**: I've been … around.

**Granny**: *side eyes Ruby*

**Granny**: *shifts focus to Belle* Hmmm...well we might start the knitting lessons with skirts that cover your ass.

**Belle**: Book club. Definitely book club.

**Killian**: Do they make a self-help books for people who married murderers?

**Belle**: Yeah, well, you shot me.

**Killian**: Just the once… and besides I thought we were bonding over the crocodile's sudden yet inevitable betrayal?

**Belle**: We were. And it was not at all awkward. But then he said he was sorry…

**(Fandom**: *sigh*)

**(Rumbellers**: *squeal*)

**Will Scarlett**: I'll just be 'eading off then, shall I?

**Rumbellers**: you're still here?

**Fandom**: Actually, they're right. What ARE you doing here?

**Will Scarlett**: Thought I was going to sweep Belle off her feet. I suppose I'll have to resign myself to making Hook miserable.

**Killian: **Not really in need of assistance on that front...

**Will Scarlett**: Maybe if you had a bigger ship maybe she wouldn't have felt the need to become the dark one to get some excitement in her life.

**Killian: ***glowers*

**Fandom**: *melts into puddle* #control your face #idiot #I want ten

* * *

**Snow**: So...I guess we get to go on another adventure?

**Killian**: TO THE JOLLY ROGER! It's a ship of magnificent proportions… if anyone with an unclear role in this plot was wondering.

**Charming**: Yay! Adventure on his magnificent ship!

**CaptainCharming contingent**: *waggles eyebrows* yes, let's talk more about his ship. #captain charming friday #you stabbed me dave

**Regina**: You two _do_ still have a baby, right?

**Killian**: Me and Charming? Tragically, we are both heterosexual.

**Regina**: How is it I haven't gotten around to killing you yet?

**Killian**: I'm good at sur-

**Regina**: Oh my God, _enough_ with the catch phrases. Can you not think of a new line?

**Killian**: That one worked so well for me though. I figured I'd just keep rehashing it.

**Charming**: Doesn't anyone want to see 24,532.5 candid shots of Snow and Neal.

**(Fandom**: I didn't realize he and Snow were so close.)

**Regina**: Yeah... No. But… where _is_ the baby?

**(Fandom**: Oooooh, _that _Neal. #baby charming #Neal who?)

**Snow**: Off screen. Must be with Belle.

**Belle**: Actually guys… I'm still here... for once.

**Snow**: *shrug*... I'm sure he'll turn up.

* * *

**Granny**: Um….hello? Why am I holding the baby AGAIN?

**Snow**: Told you he'd show up with a minor character who exists solely to provide babysitting services off screen

**Granny**: I'll have you know I've got a full time job running the diner! How many other people in this town have a full time job? What makes you people think that I can always babysit an infant?

**Snow**: I mean, you only have to run Granny's at the beginning and ending of episodes... and during war councils. Honestly I'm pretty sure the only thing you ever have to make are french fries, grilled cheese, and hot cocoa.

**Granny**: Is that like the way you only teach one class a season? Are any of the children in this town actually literate?

**Snow**: They know how to build birdhouses… Besides that's not important. What's important is that we need to discuss plans for the carnival!

**Killian**: A carnival... I'm not the only one that remembers that Swan is missing, am I? What the hell are we celebrating?

**Charming**: Well… Emma is technically evil right now.

**Killian**: ...And?

**Snow**: Well, any time we have a celebration, evil always arrives shortly after.

**Killian**: So your bright idea is to throw a party to attract your evil daughter home?

**Charming**: Shut up, eat some cotton candy.

* * *

**Killian**: I suppose I should just mope around and ensure that everyone knows exactly how miserable I am.

**Charming**: Stop being a grouch. We all know she'll be back soon. CS scenes are most of what the casual viewers are watching for anyway.

**Killian**: Aren't you supposed to be tormented with guilt for losing your daughter again?

**Charming**: Pretty much yes, but unlike you I know how to be a _productive_ moper.

**Killian**: I don't think that's a real word, Dave.

**Robin**: You are kind of being a kill joy, mate. Look at me, I accidentally got my girlfriends evil, criminally insane step sister pregnant and I'm not moping about refusing to get a hair cut.

**Killian**: It's a reflection of my inner turmoil, thief. A visual reflection of me tormented soul.

**(Fandom**: #offensively attractive men being offensively attractive #killian jones needs a hug 2k15 #I volunteer as tribute)

**Robin**: No… it's a reflection of the costuming department's intrinsic understanding of how fangirls work…

**Killian**: Isn't that what I said?

* * *

**Killian**: Oh! music. Perhaps there is one of these black discs that will reflect my current misery. *looks through record crates* 25 Polka classics...Oom-pa-pah Forever...Grumpy's Greatest Hits…

**Killian**: *studies album intently* That is a little too sad, even for me.

**Emma**: *from a distance* Oh no you don't, pirate, there will be no frown lines forming on that beautiful face.

**Killian**: SWAN, you're inexplicably back and not looking evil! What did I tell you about swirling vortices… we were going to stay away from the swirling vortices!

**Emma**: But it was so pretty, and I had to one up your newfound heroic tendencies somehow.

**Killian**: Vortices always end really badly for me, Swan. The first one took me back to Neverland, the second I had to punch myself in the face. And then of course you know there was the whole death thing.

**Charming**: Not technically a vortex.

**Killian**: *glares*

**Charming**: *Shifty eyes* IT WASN'T MY FAULT!

**Snow**: *glares*

**Charming**: Let it go?

**Snow**: Sorry Charming, that's so last season.

**Charming**: I swear, you kill your daughter's boyfriend ONE TIME and no one ever lets you forget it

**Fandom**: #you stabbed me dave #in the BACK Dave #OTP: no one kills you but me

* * *

_**This very (very) serious chapter was brought to you by gusenitsaa, lynyrdwrites and kat2609 **_

_**Leave us a review, a prompt for future insanity, or just come chat with us on tumblr! **_

**_Giggling our way through the hiatus. _**


	7. Season 5 part 2 (hiatus is almost over!)

_**Welcome to part 1 of OUAT season 5. This is a very serious work of literary genius. Check your sense of humor at the door there's no room for it here. **_

_**This is chock full of references to spoilers so if you're trying to avoid them... well... not sure what you're doing here!**_

_**Congratulations on surviving the hiatus. One last laugh before the premiere! **_

* * *

**Killian: **Sooooo… Henry… how about you fix all this nonsense with that handy Pen you just gained control of last season

**Henry: **Riiiiiight, like it would be that easy.

**Killian: **You did something heroic didn't you?

**Henry: **Maaayyybe

**Killian: ***stares into camera like the office*

**Henry: **You realize this is an integral moment to my character development? I made a unilateral decision that sounded like a really good idea at the time.

**Killian: **All right… this calls for drastic measures. I think it's time for a bring your not-yet-stepson to pirating day

**Henry: **Do I get to embrace my growing teenage desire to be rebellious while also heroic?

**Killian: **Don't tell your mother. (There's no way this could possibly backfire!)

* * *

**Zelena**: Hello Aunty Reg, hello _cutie_ *cuddles up to Robin*

**Regina**: What the hell are you doing here?

**Zelena**: *insert crazy eyes* The delicious pirate and I have come to an arrangement. I bring you all to Emma… I get to watch the captain and the dark savior having some bonding moments. I didn't want to miss it. I'm like their number one fan

**CSers**: (We are all Zelena)

**Granny:** Hey you! Greenie! Don't you come in here waving that around…

**Zelena**: *waves wand and a tornado engulfs the diner... definitely NOT a vortex*

**Everyone**:*absolute top notch Star Trek TOS style green screen acting*

**Grumpy:** WE'RE SPINNING! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!

**Granny**: *eyes crossbow thoughtfully*

...T_hump…._

**Hook:** You weren't supposed to bring ALL of Grannies!

**Fandom**:_ k;jlksjdhfosdhfclkjlkhoww_ Look at his hair! LOOKATIT!

**Hook:** *runs hand through hair broodingly*

**Fandom**: *lies dying in their living rooms*

**Hook:** Your vortex had best have found its mark, witch.

**Zelena**: Not a vortex, dear Captain, they never work out well for you, do they?. Although I do love the way angst looks on you...

**Charming:** Well, I hate to interrupt this...whatever this is…but someone better go out and see where we are.

**Everyone**: SEND GRUMPY!

**Blue Fairy**: *opens mouth to give the heroes knowledge integral to saving the day*

**Fandom**: Sure… I mean, seems _super_ shady, but sure.

**Doc:** What's with the clipboard, Granny?

**Granny:** Roll Call. I've been around long enough to be very suspicious when the supporting cast are off on the big adventure.

*starts checking off names*

**Happy:** surely that's a bit of overkill?

**Granny:** *with serious eye roll action* Have we forgotten the whole "Evil Snow heart ripping" incident?

**Happy: ***rubs chest thoughtfully* Yes, well, carry on then.

**Doc:** It looks quite safe here, I'm sure we'll be...

**Granny:** *turns sharply to Doc* Have you ever _seen _a movie? Don't say the famous last words...AND WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WEARING?

**Doc:** *confused* It's my red vest...oh. Red. Oh dear.

**Happy and Grumpy:** *high five*

**Happy: **Guess who is making it out alive this time!

* * *

**Emma: ***Rises creepily from the dark one's vault* Looks down… WHAT? You mean sparkly flamboyant leather based wardrobe doesn't come included with the package? If I'd known that then-

**Killian: **EMMA! You're not … sparkly?

**Swan**: No, sadly, but I think I need a long black flow-y jacket!

**Killian**: Maybe you should avoid dramatic black clothing, you know, symbolism and all that?

**Swan**: But I look so good in the long black flow-y jacket

**Killian**: the woman makes a fair point…Wait a sec… aren't you supposed to be all… you know… evil… and gone. Not that I'm complaining.

**Swan**: I'm contractually obligated to avoid the cameras while wearing black for the next couple of scenes. unless we get hit with a flash for-

**Dark Swan**: -ward.

**Killian**: that was abrupt

**Dark Swan**: Indeed, but we have so many gorgeous new dark one costumes to show off. It would be such a pity to miss out on so many opportunities to show them off in the first few episodes.

* * *

**Killian**: Has anyone seen my hook?

**Charming**: Again?

**Dark Swan**: *snicker*

**Killian**: Swan, what have I told you about messing with a man's hook?

**Dark Swan**: That it's sexy as-

**Killian**: Ah... um... *ear scratch* Shall we take this conversation... off the street perhaps...

**Dark Swan: **Do you remember that thing I said about needing my own place?

**Killian: **Aye?

**Dark Swan: ** They finally came up with the money for a new set! *poofs them to a new set* It's perfect! You can hear the ocean from the master bedroom! It has two bedrooms, two baths ... and a dungeon in the basement.

**Killian**: A... dungeon?

**Dark Swan**: Some women have a guest bedroom full of shoes, I have a dungeon. Don't judge me.

**Killian**: Wouldn't dream of it.

**Dark Swan: ** You know what we can do now in my new place?

**CSers:** (it's about bloody time)

**Charming**: Can anyone spare a sleeping curse?

**Regina**: It's mine.

* * *

**Dark Swan**: *knocks loudly on Regina's door*

**Regina**: Haven't you inconvenienced me enough already? What do you want now?

**Dark Swan**: I want to see Henry. Send him out to play!

**Regina**: He has homework. Don't you have a pirate to play with? Go be all sinister somewhere else.

**Dark Swan**: Oh now YOU'RE the good mom?

**Regina**: Well… yeah, have you seen your outfit? At least I still have sensible pant suits going for me.

**Dark Swan**: *magics up a birdhouse* Homework done, send him out.

**Regina**: That is not his…. oh who am I kidding. That probably is his homework

* * *

**Killian**: *Waves tiny cue cards* I have something I need to say!

**Charming**: We've never been able to stop you before…

**Killian**: I've been told this will make everyone tune in for the season premiere!

**fandom: ***side eyes* this isn't from the promo department is it… because we don't need anymore where those posters came from!

**Killian** : *cough* *voice deepens by two octaves* "Hello, ladies. Look at your man, now back to me, now back at your man, now back to me. Tragically, he isn't me, but if he stopped using ladies scented body wash and switched to 'salt, rum and something distinctly Killian', he could smell like he's me. Look down, now back up, where are you? You're on a ship with the man your man could smell like. What's in your hand, back at me. I have it, it's an oyster with a magic bean to go to that place you love. Anything is possible when your man smells like 'salt, rum and something distinctly Killian.' I'm on a horse."

**Dark Swan**: …

**Dark Swan**: … Put me down as aroused and bewildered.

**Fandom**: Me too, Emma, me too

**Charming**: *nods*... I mean… You're not actually on a horse, Hook.

**Killian**: That's what the green screen is for

**Fandom**: OMG he's on a HORSE *inarticulate wailing*

**Killian**: see, it's great. I just say things and it happens. It's better than magic.

**Dark Swan**: *glares*

**Killian**: I mean… not better than _your_ magic. Just hypothetical… non-terrifying-dark-girlfriend magic.

**Dark Swan**: good pirate. Wait a second, if he's on a horse that must mean we've hit a flash-

**Emma: -**back. Ow… whiplash…. And I'm back in rags. Flashbacks suck.

**Charming: **Hey look, a bunch of random Royal looking extras! They're probably not sketchy at all!

**King** **Arthur**: * talks about something important and royal *

*music swells*

**Dave**: * heart eyes * I've never felt anything this strong before…

**Killian**: *glares* What just like that you've a new best bro?

**David**: You're smothering me Killian. I need to meet new Royal friends!

**Killian**: Did captain charming friday mean nothing to you?! I thought our bro-love was real!

**Granny**: Ooh, now that's what a _real_ King looks like.

**Killian**: Not you too, woman.

**Granny**: What? I'm old, not dead. Wonder what _he_ would look like in leather…

**Snow**: Uh… true love over here? We broke a curse remember… literally share a heart?

**Charming: ***tails after Arthur like a puppy*

**Killian**: I'm sorry, Snow… I think we've lost him.

**Snow**: See if I wake you up the next time you catch a sleeping curse, Charming.

**Killian**: If it makes you feel any better there's a pretty decent chance that Arthur turns out to be the big bad of the season. Then you might be able to shoot him.

* * *

_**Giggling our way through the hiatus.**_

_**This very (very) serious chapter was brought to you by gusenitsaa, lynyrdwrites and kat2609 Leave us a review, a prompt for future insanity, or just come chat with us on tumblr! **_


End file.
